Mothering – Page 6 – Skies of Parchment

It’s a beautiful, blitzing-hot day here in the Deep South. 100% humidity, temperatures in the high 90’s… from 10am to 10pm. It is often in the nineties even at 9pm. This is real summertime! And it’s not even July and August yet…

And amazingly, this year I don’t feel like I’m going to die everytime I step outside in the heat, like I did the past 3 years here. Sure, it makes you sweat the second you step outside, even in the morning.

Maybe it’s the public pool across the street that I can look at anytime I feel hot and see all the kids having the grandest time.

But even more maybe, perhaps it’s because we have a house of our own now, and it’s so fun to work on it and do stuff outside that the heat is a side item? We’ll see. You all hold me to it that I don’t get to be a grouch by the end of the summer! :)

The one cool thing this summer heat does is bring sudden thunderstorms. It’ll be a clear-blue sky, sunshiney and bright one minute, and then we’ll suddenly hear thunder. No sign of rain whatsoever, but thunder. And often within 5 minutes, we’ll be in the middle of a DOWNPOUR, thunder scaring the daylights out of unsuspecting people [that would be me. The guy across the street couldn’t stop laughing when I jumped from the thunder surprising me when working out in the yard], lightning dancing…

I love it. Even if I’m not always prepared for it. :)

Reminds me of growing up in the jungles of Belize during rainy season. This is just a small taste of that, but I love it.

My mom would call my sister and me out onto the thatch-roof porch, and we’d sit there with all the jungle-rain wildness pounding down around us. “Let’s go watch the rain!” she’d always say.

And ever since then, I love to watch the rain. There is something so soothing and refreshing and rejuvenating about it. Makes my soul feel washed even as it washes the ground.

Zoe knows it now too. Knows that I’ll say, “Let’s go watch the rain!” every chance we get. Especially now that we have a delicious front porch to watch it on.

Yesterday was one such day. This time I wanted Baby to experience it firsthand.

Ben was home yesterday and Monday with no work. A little scary, not knowing what’s going to happen to us, but we were enjoying the family time together! So I conned him into taking a few pictures of Olivia.

She loved it too. Her little Baby-Giggles made my heart dance!

She would lift her face to the sky, and raise her arms above her head to catch the drip-edge, grinning all the while. It was as if she was thanking Jesus for such a fun time!

The contrast of baby patties against adult hands just melts me…

Thunder cracked during our rain-dance. When I first moved here, I couldn’t believe how LOUD the thunder was! Almost the loudest you’ll ever hear!

Ben caught my surprised face on camera. Baby was taking it all in stride.

I was so thrilled with how delighted she was with it!

And this picture SLAYS me. Baby Girl, how can you be sooooo beeeeauuuuuutiful??

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Soooo. Ghost writer appears again. Not technically ghost writer, but I’ve almost dropped off the pages of blogland. Do I need to make proper introductions with everyone again? :)

I’ve so enjoying catching up with a lot of you the past few days. For months I hardly spent any time online, and it’s been so fun for me to catch up a bit – so even if I didn’t leave you a comment, it was great to “see” you again!

This past winter was the craziest I’ve ever had. Unexpected circumstances, busy schedules, sick children, myself being sick numerous times… It felt over the top. And any leftover energy I had felt like it needed to go to my family, not to blogging. With fixing up a house, being gone more days a week than staying home, my girls needed to have the best of me, not blogging.

Now? I would love to get back into blogging again. It’s such a great outlet for me, lets me meet all kinds of great people, learn all kinds of great things…

I do wonder when I’ll have time. I can’t spend every afternoon on the computer while the kids are napping, as I did today. So, not promising weekly posts, although sometimes they may come more than once a week.

It’s been good for me to take a break though. Helped me reevaluate who I am as a person, what I blog about when I do blog, question where my identity lies…

I am first of all a Child of the King, and that is what I want to portray first of all in blogging. Whether or not my posts speak of Jesus personally, I want Him to be visible through the message and pictures. I am a woman, and I am God’s woman first of all.

Secondly, I am a wife. My husband rocks. :) In the past few months I have seen more sides of him than in the past almost-5 years of marriage, and I know I am so so blessed! And he is a GENIUS when it comes to woodworking. And many other handyman things! If I ever get some house projects completed around here, I’ll show you what he can do!

[sneak peek: see the butcher block countertop that my husband MADE in the kitchen?? behind the LIVE ginormous magnolia?]

Thirdly, I am a mother. What an incredible privilege this is for me! Not the most glamorous job description in the world for some people, but I know this is where God has placed me, and I am so thankful! Zoe, or “Sweetie”, age 2, and Olivia, or “Lovey”, age 1, are the delights of my heart. They are the high calling upon me right now, and it is an honor!

Fourthly, there are many things are I love to do – I am a hands-on person! Music, arts, interior design, landscape design, amateur photography… these are just a few. But they are just that – things I DO. They are not who I am.

I am defined first of all by my Jesus, and I live out of that relationship in all aspects of life.

So, it feels a little bit like I’m starting over with blogging. :)

My wish for you all and for myself –

that you would experience JOY in the everyday things,
and
that you would FLOURISH just where God has gently placed you…

-clarita

These were the words of my two year old daughter.

It all began a week before, when Zoe, age two, and her Papa (my dad) were talking on the phone. My phone presently only works on speakerphone mode, so I could hear their entire conversation.

I could scarcely believe my ears though, when I heard my dad say to her, “…And ask Mommy if you could come up to Papa’s house for a week…”

In my head all I saw was this: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A week! WHAT?!

She’s only TWO. She’s still my baby. I’ve never been away from her for a week.

The situation was this: my mom, sister, and brother were coming to help us paint our little cottage in a couple of days. After they returned home, it would be a week exactly until we saw the rest of my sisters at a wedding out of state. So transportation for Zoe to visit my old home would be perfect, albeit there would be 18 hours of driving for her until we’d see her again.

I mentioned the idea to Ben. Surely he wouldn’t agree to something so outrageous.

We talked about it. Actually, it became a possibility.

Zoe tends to be very cautious. Even as a baby, she would hardly ever have bumps or bruises on her body from falling. She was just that careful. She didn’t walk until 14 months because she wanted to be absolutely sure she could do it perfectly. Her little sister is the opposite – she’s had black and blue marks all over her almost from the start, and she keeps right on tumbling!

So we’ve talked about it before that we need to watch for opportunities to push Zoe a bit. Present her with ways to develop confidence and courage.

But when it came down to a perfect opportunity like this, I felt like I, the mother, was being pushed far more than my child! Could I really let her go that far away, for so long?

So my mother, sister, and brother came. And I didn’t talk much about her going back with them. Rather hoping the idea would go away.

It didn’t.

The night before they left to return home, I mentioned the idea to Zoe. She was excited about it, but I told her that Daddy and I still need to talk about it. We’re still not sure what’s going to happen.

Meanwhile, we talked. Yes, she can go, we decided. This is a great opportunity for her to spend time with my family whom she rarely sees, we said. And this will push her out of her comfort zone a bit, we kept saying, trying to convince ourselves that we could do this!

So the next morning I called her into her bedroom, where I was gathering some pieces of clothing together.

“Sweetie, do you still want to go to Pennsylvania with Nana?” I asked.

“But, you’re very going to miss me!

You’re very going to cry!”

Zoe said to me, with a greatly concerned look on her face.

‘Very’ is her favorite word these days.

And she wrapped her soft little arms around my neck and hugged me tight. I choked back the lump in my throat. She’s concerned about me?? More worried about me than about being gone that long??

Then she suddenly released her tight hold and leaned back to look me in the eye.

“I want to go!” she said, nodding her curly head.

Then I explained to her how she would be gone for seven days – 7 naps and 7 nights, and how she would see all the aunties and uncles and Papa and Nana, and have a lot of fun, and how she needs to tell them when she needs to go potty [and other motherly instructions], and then after that we would see her!

She understood, and was very aware of all that was happening.

And I strapped her in the carseat in the back of Nana’s car, kissed her lots of times, told her “I love you! I’m going to miss you!” a hundred times.

I tried hard to be brave, but I couldn’t help the couple of tears that squeezed out of my eyes. My little girl is growing up too fast!

And I waved goodbye until I couldn’t see the car anymore…

I called Ben and cried some more.

Then I sat down in a little quiet house, with the remaining baby sleeping, and really cried.

You’d think it’s the two year old that is crying as she says goodbye.
But oh no, it’s her mother that’s a weeping, teary mess!

Letting go.

Already. I thought that would be when she’s eighteen or something. Not two. Gracious, not two.

How my heart struggles against that. I want her to stay close to Ben and me so we can always know where she is, and so we can protect her, and keep her safe.

I KNEW my family would do their best to take care of her. And that she would have a wonderful time there. It’s just that I can’t be right there with her too.

Husband and I were talking later… How we feel like we can care for her when we’re right there. And when we’re not right there, I can get so freaked out…

The road.

The pond.

The many cars.

So many potential dangers for a curious two year old!

Learning to trust God in a brand new way as I said goodbye to my daughter.
Asking God to watch and keep her with the many hours on the road.
Asking Him to protect her precious, beautiful life.
Realizing He is a far better Guardian and Protector than Ben or I could ever be.

It’s been a long week without my little Zoe-girl.

I miss our little naptime cuddles and sweet-talks.
I miss her chatter and funny sayings that keep me laughing all throughout the day.
So many little things that only she can bring to our lives.

It’s made me realize, BIG-TIME realize, how much I LOVE being a mother.

Sometimes, in the everyday-ness of life, things seem rather mundane, uneventful, unexciting.

I remember my adventurous days of singleness, and while I’ve never regretted for one moment the decision to have children, I loved my life back then. Life now can sometimes seem far less than glamorous.

I feel like I get lost sometimes inbetween dirty diapers, taking a two-year old potty, and dirty laundry.

But in a week like this, I’m reminded of this:

I AM SO BLESSED.
And,
I LOVE MY LIFE.

No, life may not be that “glamorous” and “exciting” and “adventurous” as it once was, but it is BEAUTIFUL.

These days of dirty diapers and dirty laundry are also days of

loving,
laughing,
giving,
exploring,
hugs,
baby kisses,
purity and innocence,
enjoying little gifts and simple pleasures,
teaching precious children about Jesus,
swing rides,
visits to the park,
cuddling sleepy babies,
fulfilling a dream.

Really, what’s not to love?